How do I spot patterns from my past that repeat here?

Start by identifying patterns in your choices, the types of people you attract, and the way situations unfold. Pay close attention to feelings of déjà vu in relationships or recurring conflicts. Review your relationship history with curiosity and honesty.

Decluttering your life—especially if you’re navigating situationships—means sifting through your relationship habits and emotional baggage so you can spot what’s cluttering your connections. Think of your emotional world as a closet. Over the years, you’ve picked up beliefs, fears, and behaviors, many of which won’t fit your current needs. You can only move forward by understanding what you’re unconsciously dragging along.

First, examine your experiences by honestly asking how your present situations mirror the past. Maybe you always find yourself giving more than you receive, or you notice that your boundaries slip in similar ways every time you get close to someone. Perhaps you fall for emotionally unavailable partners or keep choosing people whose affection always feels just out of reach. The moment you catch yourself thinking, “Here we go again” is the moment to pause and dig deeper.

Keep a journal to track the people you’re attracted to, how those connections develop, and how they end. Write down your feelings during highs and lows, and look for recurring patterns. For example, do your relationships usually burn hot and fast, then fizzle suddenly? Are you drawn to drama, or do you always end up as the caretaker? Sometimes we don’t realize we’re stuck in a loop until we see it spelled out.

Once you spot the pattern, ask: where does this come from? Did similar dynamics play out in your family growing up? Often, our love scripts are written early in life—maybe by watching our parents or absorbing messages about love, worthiness, or what’s required to earn affection. When you make these invisible drivers visible, you open up the chance to change.

The goal isn’t to judge yourself but to understand. You can subtract what no longer serves you, even if it’s comfortable because it’s familiar. As you declutter your emotional life, give yourself permission to make new choices. Set conscious intentions: clarify your values, boundaries, and what you want to experience in your love life. Surround yourself with friends who support your growth, and don’t be afraid to seek guidance from a therapist or coach.

Remember, decluttering isn’t a one-time event—it’s an ongoing process. You’ll need to check in with yourself regularly, especially after dating disappointments or confusing situationships. Each time you spot an old pattern creeping in, that’s a win. It means you’re paying attention and ready to show up differently.

For young women navigating modern dating, support is more important than ever. notBf is an AI companion built specifically for situationships—it’s the only app that learns your individual story and helps you spot these patterns, offering personalized guidance so you can move forward with clarity and confidence.