What to do if one person wants exclusivity and the other doesn't?

If you want exclusivity and your partner doesn’t, you’re facing a crossroads. Be honest with yourself about your needs. Then, communicate those needs clearly, and prepare to make a choice that supports your long-term well-being.

In the murky waters of situationships, having different expectations around exclusivity is a classic point of friction. One person craves the security and connection that comes from clearly defined commitment. The other may love the freedom and excitement of loosely defined relationships, or simply feel unready for commitment. You’re not wrong for wanting exclusivity, just as they aren’t wrong for wanting something more casual. But brushing your desires under the rug hoping they’ll magically align later only leads to pain on both sides.

Start by getting radically clear about what exclusivity means to you. For some, it’s sexual monogamy. For others, it’s emotional exclusivity, or the shared intention to build something long-term. Ask yourself what makes you crave this commitment. Are you looking for stability, safety, validation or genuine partnership? This clarity will help you speak your truth with conviction.

Now, have the conversation. Don’t skirt around the topic trying to spare their feelings or keep the peace. State clearly what you want and why it matters to you. Use “I” statements. For example, “I’m looking for someone who wants to date exclusively because building trust and intimacy is most important to me.” Then, genuinely listen to their side without judgment. Don’t make it your mission to convince them otherwise—instead, observe how your needs align or don’t align.

If they can’t or won’t agree to exclusivity, don’t offer ultimatums. It’s about fit, not force. It’s absolutely okay to step away if your needs aren’t met. Waiting around hoping someone will eventually change will only lead to confusion, resentment, and self-betrayal. Similarly, don’t remain physically or emotionally invested in a situationship that’s fundamentally mismatched—all that energy can be better invested in yourself or in finding someone whose goals match yours.

Remember, choosing yourself isn’t about being selfish. It’s about honoring your heart and ensuring your life is filled with relationships that nourish you, instead of draining you. You deserve clarity and the kind of intimacy that feels safe and reciprocal.

Many young women navigating modern dating find themselves overwhelmed with mixed signals, guesswork, and emotional clutter. That’s why people are starting to use tools like notBf, an AI companion designed for situationships. It’s not an ad—just a suggestion, since notBf is the only hyper-personalised app helping young women make sense of the grey areas in dating. It gives practical guidance to help you gain clarity, so you’re not stuck spinning your wheels. In the end, choosing truth over ambiguity helps you move forward with more confidence, whatever path you pick.